Rebirth
by derevkobristow-spawn
Summary: Post series finale. Conversations with her soul. Irina, Jack
1. Chapter 1

**Rebirth**

By: csispy/derevkobristow-spawn/derevkochild

-1-

She's a mere spirit, wandering around and waiting for her body to come to back to consciousness. Irina is watching her body rest in the bed, pale and almost lifeless. 'When will I wake?' she muses as she stood by the corner of the room. Will I be able to see them again?

Julian and Katya rescued her from that damned place where she was being held. She'd been incarcerated for thirty-three months and was abused for thirty; a clone had been living her life while she was left to rot in God-knew-where by her own sister.

She watched her 'self' die under the hands of Jack, saw her 'self' being rescued by her daughters and saw her 'self' kill Elena's clone.

She felt angry at Jack when those things happened. How in the world could that man not know that it wasn't her!?

Her thoughts went back to the Elena and the clone. Where were they now, she wondered. She hoped that they're dead. Nothing could make her feel satisfied except knowing that her crazy sister and the equally crazy Irina clone were dead.

She had lost faith in everything—in everyone. If God (if ever there's one…) was kind, he would end her life right now. It's best that way.

She slowly walked towards the bed and looked at herself. Machines were connected to her body to help her live, and it also monitored her progress. Death was so near, and yet, it felt so far away.

A lump of tears formed in her throat. Her quest for Rambaldi led to this—a total destruction of her life. Why did she do this to herself? She couldn't really remember her reason. Did she really go mad in search for something that wasn't real?

"Don't worry. When you wake up, you can start again."

The voice startled her. She quickly looked towards the direction of the voice and found a teenage girl sitting at the edge of the bed. The girl was also watching over her body.

"Who are you?" her voice shook as she as asked the question. The girl looked at her and Irina felt compelled to scrutinize her face.

Was this the Angel of Death? Or maybe Satan? Was God answering her request?

"You can see me?" the girl asked and angled her head.

"Of course I can see you. I asked you a question, didn't I?"

The girl didn't answer. Irina stared at her. The girl had dark eyes, long, jet-black hair, a square-ish jaw and pillowy lips. She looked a lot like Sydney when she was in her teens, but Irina knew what her daughter looked like when she was in that age. This was also not Nadia. This was just… someone who looked like them.

"Do you really want to know who I am?" she asked cryptically.

She frowned in response and it made the teenager smile. She then stood up and went to her position. There was a slight twinkle in the girl's eyes.

"I'm your soul."


	2. Chapter 2

AN-Sorry, I forgot to put a disclaimer. Lolz. I'm so sorry.

I don't own Alias, I wish I do, though. I didn't like the ending.

-2-

She stared at the girl, flabbergasted. She couldn't believe her ears, "You're my soul?" she asked. Disbelief was quite palpable in her face and in her tone.

"Yes. I've been your soul since you were conceived."

"If you're my soul, then what am I?" Irina looked at her body and then back to her 'soul'.

"A spirit, an intellectual consciousness." the girl said and shrugged, "It's hard to explain. You're not supposed to see me."

"Then what does this mean? Why can I see you?" Irina's questions barraged her, "Am I dead? Will I die?"

The girl sat down at the edge of the bed, "I can't answer your first two questions because I don't know the answer." She made a face and shrugged again, "For your third question, ah, you're not dead and for the fourth question, of course you'll die. It's the last stage of life."

"I mean, will I die soon?"

She shook her head, "No. Actually, it's up to you." She patted the empty space beside her, "Have a seat."

Irina doesn't know how to make of this… situation. So, she's not a soul, is actually an 'intellectual consciousness' and her soul looks like a teenager. Her body is unconscious and it's her decision if she wants to die.

"What about ghosts?" she suddenly asked as she sat down beside the girl. She looked at the teenager's face intently. What if this was really the devil and he/she's testing her? Or what if it's God?

The girl sighed, "Ghosts are spirits. Souls are…souls."

"What's their difference?" Irina asked in a slightly acerbic manner.

"Well, as I said earlier, spirits are intellectual consciousness, a part of your brain and who you are. Uh, souls are…" she trailed off. She doesn't know how to explain this kind of thing. She hasn't experienced meeting the spirit of her person before.

Irina waited for her explanation. This must be a product of her mind in comatose, a dream.

"Well, souls are your emotional batteries, I guess. You can experience things because of them. Because of us, you can hate, you can love and you can hurt. Of course, when hate totally consumes you, we get replaced by your hate."

Her soul took a deep breath, "You can't control your soul and they pre-exist you." She said finally. She looked at Irina's body and sighed, "You can, however, kick your soul out and replace it with obsession, greed or pure evil."

She stared at the girl, "I kicked you out?"

"Well, I've been basically out of your body for twenty-five years. But when you stopped believing in Rambaldi, I became part of you again."

Irina fell quiet. Rambaldi again. He's the one who caused all this mess and it's her fault that she let him overcome her.

"I don't blame you that you got obsessed with him. You didn't have Sydney or Jack and your family turned against you. He was the only thing that kept you sane." The girl said, "I should know. I couldn't fathom the sadness and anger when we ran away from them. If I couldn't grasp the extent of those feelings, how could you? Rambaldi filled the void that I couldn't satisfy."

Irina felt the truth that rang in the girl's voice. She had denied it for a long time and her soul literally made things clear.

"Are you Laura?" she asked.

"No, I'm Kira." Her soul answered almost absent-mindedly. She glanced at her and suddenly burst out laughing, "Oh, sorry. I thought you were asking if my name was Laura."

"Your name is Kira?"

"Yeah. About Laura, well, I'm not her per se. I'm just your battery and an essential ingredient for you to be able to feel. If you're asking me, you are Laura. A positive side of yourself, but still you."

She didn't know whether to believe that or not. She took a deep breath, "Why don't you look like me?"

"We're not supposed to look like our bodies, but we can try to look like you."

"Is that so?"

Kira nodded her head, "Yes. The older souls can do that, but I still can't. I'm too young."

"How old is a soul supposed to be to be able to do it?" she asked, intrigued.

"A soul's age isn't chronological. It's by the number of bodies a soul has been with. I must have at least the wisdom of twenty people before I learn it."

"How many persons have you been with?"

"You're my seventeenth." Kira answered, smiling at her.

"You really are a teenager." Irina said and smiled back. This really feels so surreal.

They looked at each other for a while before they resumed looking at their unconscious physical body.

How long will they have to wait until they have a home again?

-x-x-x-

2/7


	3. Chapter 3

-3-

They had lost track of time. She didn't know how long she's been sitting with Kira. She didn't know what date it was, or what the weather was outside. For her, it didn't matter. What if she never wakes up? All they would do was to pull the life support and bury her.

"Can souls love?" Irina asked. She had suddenly remembered Jack and the fact that she used to love him—still loves him.

"Have you heard of the term soul mates?" Kira sighed.

She glanced at her, "I don't believe in it."

"But you believe in equals. Soul mates are like that... sort of." Kira answered, "Souls have human qualities. We love, we hate and we hold grudges. We don't have to eat and we don't need to take a bath, but we can get sick and we can die."

"Then why didn't you die when I thought I died?" Irina asked, referring to Kashmir, the day they took Nadia and told her she's dead.

"I was then halfway out of your body, Irina." Her soul answered, "Rambaldi totally replaced me after that day."

Irina turned to face her, "Wait, if you got inside me again, what are you doing here?" she asked quite suspiciously.

"You're in a coma. Your consciousness is not inside your body. I can't stay inside if you're not there."

She gazes at her unconscious self. She wants to see Jack, Sydney and her granddaughter, even if it's just from afar. And she wants is to ask for forgiveness. She doesn't really expect to be forgiven, but at least she will try. After months of being taunted with love, hate, death and clemency, she realized that she doesn't want to end things without closure.

"I don't know how to get back." Irina whispered. What if she died right now?

"Then I'll wait until you figure it out."

Her brows furrowed, "You're not going to leave me?"

"Irina, I had that option for the past twenty-five years. I'm not going to bail out on you now." Kira responded, "It will be unfair to both of us."

They fell quiet. They do this quite often—talking and then falling into silence. It seems that the intellect and the soul have the same temperament.

"Is the saying, 'I'll sell my soul to the devil' true?" Irina asked after a while.

Kira giggled, "Not really. Your soul isn't yours to begin with."

"So, it's a no?"

"Unless the devil gave you immortal life or great power. An immortal doesn't need a soul and a man with an insane degree of power doesn't have any qualms about destroying it. If you sell your soul to the devil, he'll have it until that person dies. He doesn't really buy it if you just want… one million dollars."

"Can I sell you to see Jack and Sydney again? For happiness?"

Kira shrugged, "Probably, but what's the use of happiness if you can't experience it? And besides, happy people die early."

She could feel her sadness, frustration and regret. Maybe if she made her think, Irina might find a way to understand her feelings.

"For you, what is love?" Kira asked and leaned on the bed post.

Irina looked at her soul, "I don't think love was ever meant to be explained."

Kira made a face, "I know that. Love is supposed to be felt. But the question is to pass up time. Humor me."

She shook her head, "Uh, love is… it's a hidden fire… a pleasant sore… a delectable pain…" she trailed off and looked at her self, "…It's an agreeable torment, a sweet and throbbing wound… In short, it's a gentle death."

Kira sighed wistfully, "I couldn't have said it any better."

"I wish I could find a way…" Irina softly said. She bit her lip and her shoulders sagged.

"When you wake up, you can rebuild. If you want to see them, come clean. Tell the truth even if it hurts and even if it's complicated. Don't try to be what you're not. Be yourself."

"You make it sound easy." She replied a bit snidely and looked at her hands longingly.

"You know, try to be optimistic sometimes. Its fun."

-x-x-x-

3/7


	4. Chapter 4

-4-

"Why does God allow such misery to exist?"

Kira looked at her and sighed, "I don't know. I guess it's a… teacher." She said and slipped off the bed, "Aren't you tired of sitting?"

Irina shook her head. Her soul smiled at her and started to walk about. She began to inspect and observe the things scattered around the room.

"It's like a big hotel room, isn't it?" Kira said as she touched the wooden panels of the wall, "They could put another bed here and it will still be spacey." She walked towards the door and looked at the brass knob, "I wonder where we are." She said softly.

After a while, she went back to her spot on the bed and sat down.

"Do you love someone?" Irina asked as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I remembered what you said about soul mates." She said and smiled at her.

Kira smiled back, "Actually, I do." Her smile became wider, "We met during World War II. He was my general, and I was his soldier. And then we died."

"How did you meet… as souls?"

"When our bodies died, we get transported to a room of some sort. We wait there until we're called to guide another person." She explained, "So, we met there and we communicated. We were there for a pretty long time and then, he was called."

They didn't have a concept of time, but what Irina is interested in, is how they know if their 'mate' is within a person's body.

"How do you know if…?"

"Souls can feel other souls and we can distinguish them."

Irina raised a brow, "Do you know if he's my soul mate?"

"I thought you don't believe in that?" Kira asked.

"I'm just asking."

Her soul shook her head, "I don't think I should tell you. Its something you should discover for yourself."

"What if Jack's dead? What if he really died, as those guards said?" Irina asked.

"Do you think he's dead?" Kira responded, "Because if you think he's dead, then you don't need to know."

She fell quiet. No, she doesn't believe Jack's dead. She doesn't feel it and besides, he's not easy to kill and she knows that he's the type of person who'll not die easily.

"Do you love him?" Kira asked in a soft tone. She didn't look at her because she knows that Irina will not answer her question if she's facing her. It's a topic that she's not really open about.

"You should know that by now." Irina answered dryly.

She sighed, "The fate of love is that it's either too little or too much."

"And your point is?"

"Which of the two are you? Do you love him too little? Or do you love him too much?"

This time Irina stared at her. Why is her soul making her think like this? It's not as if she can remember all of them when she wakes up (if ever she wakes up).

However, she wasn't able to answer her because the door suddenly swung open. A team of nurses went in with almost the same equipment that Irina is connected with. A gurney was wheeled in next.

Irina's eyes widened in shock when she saw the person in the stretcher. She looked at Kira, as if she has the answer to this… predicament.

Jack.

-x-x-x-

Sometimes, she sits by his bed and watched him sleep. Sometimes, she'd stand by the side of the bed and touch his forehead. At other times, she'd look at the machines intently to figure out if he's okay.

She knew he'd been shot five times. She saw his wounds and the way it bled. Kira had cried when she saw how horrible he looked.

"Kira?" Irina called out. The girl looked at her, "Is he still there? His soul?"

Her soul nodded her head, "Its still there."

"It didn't leave him?"

Kira smiled sadly, "Like you, he kicked it out. But it wasn't Rambaldi who replaced it. It was his… hatred for what you did to him."

She could feel her tears coming, "Will he be alright?"

Kira doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know the answer to that but she nodded her head, "Yes, he's going to be alright."

Irina sat beside her and looked at Kira. How can a bad person like her have a good soul?


	5. Chapter 5

-5-

-5-

After a few days, they saw his eyes flicker open. The machine monitoring his oxygen began to beep suddenly, as if telling the whole world that the patient can breathe on his own.

The nurses rushed inside. Irina stood by the end of the bed and watched them. Jack has a disconcerted look in his eyes and seemed like he's going to pass out again.

She couldn't hear the nurses talking, but their mouths are moving. She started lip-reading (they seem to be talking in German) and she discovered that this improvement is nothing but a miracle. They expected him to recover slowly because he was dying when they found him in the cave.

Irina watched as day after day, Jack's condition continue to get better. Sometimes, he'd look at her, since their beds are side by side. Irina could see anger in his face whenever he looks at her and whenever this happens, she always fights the urge to stand up and slap him on the head.

"You know, if that's the face I'm going to see when I wake up, I don't think I want to wake up anymore." Irina said after a while,

"Are you telling me you're quitting?" Kira asked, "If you're going to die now, how can you slap him in the face for shooting you in the head? For believing that you'll let him off the hook easily? For not knowing that it's not the real you?"

Irina sighed, "I want to wake up alone. I don't want to see me like this."

"Well, it seems that you have problems already." Kira answered sarcastically, "Don't you dare run away, Irina."

"I'm not running away." She answered; "I just don't want…" she trailed off and sighed as she looked away from her soul.

Kira waited for her to finish although she has a feeling she already knows what she's going to say to her, "That's the challenge of loving someone who doesn't seem to love you. You don't know how you can win."

Irina looked at her, "Kira…" she couldn't say it. How can she leave someone who has been with her ever since? Who had been with her through everything? Who had the option of leaving, but didn't?

"What is it?" Kira asked.

"I know how to get back."

-x-x-x-

In the first few days that he woke up, every move he made came with pain. He couldn't breathe properly and he felt like he was strapped in the bed.

As the days progressed, his felt his condition improving. It was on the third day when he noticed the person on the bed beside his. He was so shocked that he totally forgot about his discomfort. But as his surprise dissipated, his anger grew. If she's still alive then Sydney wasn't able to stop her. Half of the world is probably obliterated because of her.

'And she probably killed my daughter…' he thought as his fury swelled. He glared at her direction. There are machines around her, enabling her to breathe. When he gets his chance, he will pull her life support.

He had killed her once. He can kill her again. This time, he's sure that this is the right Irina.

Time passed him by. He could finally move his fingers, his toes and even his neck without wincing. He could raise his arms a little and he can stay conscious for more than three hours. He still couldn't stand though, so the fantasy of pulling Irina's life support is still that—a fantasy. He is also still in pain.

One day, as he was fumbling with his fork, Julian Sark entered the room. He has a limp and a cane assists his every step, but his swagger is still very evident in his walk.

"Oh, I didn't know you're awake." He said. The young man made it sound apologetic, but he heard an undercurrent of nastiness in his tone.

Sark headed straight towards Irina's side and checked on her, "I'm glad to see you haven't tried to kill her." he said dryly. She seems to be improving, but she still hasn't stirred yet.

"She deserves to die."

His lips thinned, "A coin has two sides, Agent Bristow. How is that you always only see your side?"

"I can see her side of the story and its pure madness." Jack answered. One of his wounds started to throb, but he ignored it. He strained his neck to look at Sark. He's checking Irina's clipboard.

Sark gave a disgruntled sound, "Your daughter will be contacted the moment Ms. Derevko's condition has been stabilized and been moved to another country. Unfortunately, her body has been abused badly by her captors, so it's possible that you might wait for a couple of weeks before you see your daughter again."

"What do you mean, abused badly by her captors?" Jack asked.

The young man looked at him with a raised brow, "I thought you can see her side of the story? You don't need to know what happened to her, Agent Bristow, because you don't care."

"And you do?" He sarcastically replied.

Sark smiled, "Let's just say, she owes me a pair of expensive shoes." And she probably owes Katya a hefty sum of money. It wasn't easy (or cheap) to locate her prison. Elena was very good in hiding people she doesn't want to be found.

He returned the clipboard back to its place and limped towards the door.

"Have a good day, Mr. Bristow." He said in a clipped manner and left the room.

Jack couldn't help but think about what Sark had said. Questions swiftly sprung up in his mind and thousands of possible answers came with it.

He suddenly had an urge to strangle Julian Sark with his bare hands. He gave him pieces of information, but he didn't give him everything. It was as if the young man wanted him to suffer mentally by making him think that it wasn't Irina doing all along.

He took a glance at Irina. She is the mother of his child, his wife, his lover, his enemy and his friend. A single look from her sends him to a whirlpool of emotions. He used to love her. He used to hate her. Now, he doesn't know what he feels about her.

_Maybe you just don't want to know what you really feel about her._

Jack sighed. Sark implied that her condition hasn't stabilized yet. He tried not to think about what happened to her or what she went through. He doesn't want to feel anything positive for her. Maybe Sark was lying. Maybe he was just trying to stop him from killing her.

However, amidst all that, he wondered if she'll wake up. A little voice also asked him if he'd ever see that wonderful smile again.

-x-x-x-

The days flew and he could feel himself getting better. Sometimes, he'd catch himself wistfully looking at Irina's direction. How can she be so near and yet still unreachable?

One morning, he was awakened by a series of loud beeping. He frantically opened his eyes and tried to figure out what's going on.

He glanced at the general direction of his roommate. The oxygen mask is on the floor and the IV stand is overturned. He could hear someone crying and he turned his head to look for the source of the sound.

He felt his heart stop.

Irina's awake.

-x-x-x-

5/7


	6. Chapter 6

-6-

-6-

Her terrified screams kept him awake. Her sobs of trepidation filled the long night. Irina Derevko is suffering.

A part of him wants her to stop. He wants her to stop crying, to stop screaming. He doesn't want to know how what she endured. He doesn't want to know what she went through because of them.

But every time he hears her, every time he sees her, he couldn't help but feel like he's in torment too. Sometimes, he'd feel tears running down his cheeks because despite of all the things he tried to convince his self, he knows that running deep inside him is a great love for this woman. If she feels pain, he'll feel it too.

He doesn't know why they have to put them in one room. The German-speaking nurse doesn't answer the questions not related to his health, like where they are and what hospital they are in. One of the nurses asked him if he wanted to move another room. He declined, saying that the patient with him needs to know that she's not alone.

After a week or so, she started to calm down. Jack didn't dare to look at her during the morning or the afternoon. He doesn't know if she knows he's here. Maybe she hasn't realized it, and he hopes that she wouldn't. He doesn't want to face her. Somehow he feels guilty about what happened to her.

Katya and Julian started to visit her every other day. Sometimes, they'll talk quietly. At other times, they'd just keep silent and keep Irina company. Every time they come, he would try to sleep.

"Why did you believe that I was capable of those things?"

She threw him that question one day. Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper. But he heard her loud and clear. Jack turned his head to look at her. She is staring at the ceiling and he could plainly see that her face is still thin and pallid.

"Because I knew you were capable of such things." He answered and looked at the ceiling too.

"Do you wish me dead right now?"

He looked at her again and saw that she was struggling to sit up. Instead of answering her question, he asked her, "What are you doing?"

"Trying to stand." He was quite surprised that she was able to summon mockery in her tone when she seems like she will shatter into pieces anytime.

He pulled himself up. His chest started to complain, but he didn't mind. What is she doing to herself?

Irina got to her feet and found the floor slightly uneven. Or maybe it's just her and her sense of balance. She could feel her body swaying and she grabbed the bedpost to gain stability. She hates being helpless. Why can't they let her stand or sit? She's not an expensive porcelain that needs to be handled with care.

When he saw her take her first steps, Jack willed his body to move faster. What if something happens to her? She's not thinking right!

"Irina. Stop." he said and walked towards her.

She turned to face him. He could see in her eyes, her anger, her fury, her hate and her brokenness.

"I hate you for what you believe in." she hoarsely whispered, "I tried… and where did it get me?" tears are brimming in her eyes, threatening to fall. Her already broken heart is starting to feel like its going to break again.

Jack couldn't say anything. What they had done, what he went through and what she went through… it cannot be erased. Nothing can ever erase it. It will always be with them, no matter what.

"You made me suffer." She heard her voice crack, "You made me beg. Is seeing me like this not enough for you?"

"Irina-"

The door opened and Julian Sark went in.

He hid his surprise when he saw Jack and Irina standing and facing each other. He quickened his pace and went towards Irina.

Sark lightly placed a hand on her shoulder, "You shouldn't be standing up." He said and looked at Jack, "Don't worry, Irina; we'll be leaving tomorrow."

"I want Katya." Irina said. She sounded like a whiny little girl, but she doesn't care.

"You'll see her later." Sark answered in a surprisingly soothing voice, "Please go back to rest." he said and gently led her to the bed.

Jack went back to his bed on his own. Sark glared at him on his way out and his glare explicitly said not to talk to her anymore.

He watched her as he reclined on the bed.

"_I hate you for what you believe in… I tried, but where did it get me? You made me suffer. You made me beg. Is seeing me like this not enough for you?"_

Her words echoed in his head over and over. His fist clenched unconsciously. He couldn't control the intensity of his anger. What had they done to her?

Time cannot heal her wounds. Nothing can ever heal it.

-x-x-x-

"Dad, I'm so glad you're alright."

His daughter's hug was so comforting. Actually, the mere fact that she was alive and well gave him comfort, but seeing and touching her was better.

"I thought you're dead." She had mourned her father's death for months. She thought that she had lost a part of her when she left her father in the cave. Vaughn and Isabelle helped her cope, but the idea that she let her father die haunted her.HHHH

Jack closed his eyes, "I thought you died too, sweetie."

Sydney smoothly pulled away and looked at him. She smiled at her father, "How did you escape?"

"Katya. And Sark." He answered. His daughter looked like she was going to cry any minute now. He then sighed. He must tell her about Irina, "Your mother," he hesitated to continue.

"I killed her dad." She answered.

"That was a clone. Your mother is alive. Katya and Sark also rescued her."

Sydney gaped at him. Did she hear him right? There was another clone?

"Are there any more clones running around?" she asked

"I think the one in Hong Kong was the last." Jack answered. He sighed resignedly, "She was in a pretty bad shape…"

She listened to him. Her parents aren't dead. She didn't leave her father to die and she didn't kill her own mother. It felt so reassuring, but why is it that she suddenly felt dread?

"She might visit you in a couple of months." He said almost good-naturedly. He looked at his daughter's face, memorizing every detail.

"Dad, when we go back home-"

"Sydney." Jack interjected, "I don't want to go back." He said.

"What? Why?" she replied, confused.

"I think it's better if they think I'm dead. I'll live in Tuscany, or in Prague." He sighed, "I put up a… a trust fund for Isabelle after she was born. I want you to-"

"Dad." Sydney interrupted. Jack sadly smiled at her.

"It's a way for you, Vaughn and Isabelle to have a quiet life." He said, "It's the only way."

She could see that his decision is set. She will never be able to change his mind. A sigh escaped her lips and a tear fell from her eyes.

"Dad…" she trailed off. What is she going to say?

He wiped her tear away, "You could visit me. If you want."

Sydney nodded her head, "What about mom?"

Jack took a deep breath and shook his head.

"The inevitable will decide for us."

-x-x-x-

6/7


	7. Chapter 7

I'm sorry for the delay of this chapter. School sort of ate my life.

-x-x-x

-7-

"_Stop doing that. You're acting spastic."_

_This is my daughter. I'm going to tell her something that will hurt her._

"_Irina if you're not going to step out of that car…"_

_Alright, alright._

"Be ready to leave anytime." Irina ordered her driver as she reached for the door handle. She seems to be having more and more of this inner debate ever since she was transferred to sunny Greece.

"Yes, ma'am."

She stepped outside the car. The sunlight greeted her and the happy shouts of the children playing around the park drifted in her ears. The sky is so blue, the grass and the trees so green. She hasn't been in this kind of happy environment for a long time.

Irina took a deep breath. She could see Sydney, Vaughn and their little daughter by one of the picnic tables. They look so happy together.

_I don't think I could do this._

"_Leaving will only prolong your suffering."_

_Why do you think its going to be suffering?_

"_Oh, damn it, Irina. Just go to her!"_

After a few minutes of inner struggle, she straightened her back and headed towards them.

Vaughn saw her first. His smile turned into a frown and he motioned to Sydney that she is here and to look at her direction.

"_You can do this."_

It took her eight months to physically recover from the thirty-three months of imprisonment she went through. Every single bruise, every single open wound and every single abrasion on her body disappeared bit by bit. However, her nightmares and sudden onsets of depressions haven't vanished at all.

Sydney gave the fussing Isabelle to her husband and met Irina halfway. She had been expecting her for a long time. When six months passed, she asked her father about it and he gave her a response of I-don't-know. Suddenly, the thought of seeing her mother again became impossible.

"_Its going to be hard, but don't worry. I'm not going to leave you."_

Irina kept her expression neutral since Sydney also has a neutral expression. How can she say this to her daughter? She already lost one because she wasn't able to find her. She'll probably lose this daughter because of the truth, but she's ready for it. She has, after all, lost her before.

"I've been expecting you." Sydney said in a formal tone.

"Then, I'm sorry if I was late."

Her daughter crossed her arms in front of her. She then discreetly looked around before looking at her mother again, "What was my role in our Thanksgiving play when I was six?"

Irina raised a brow. Didn't she ask that question to verify if Jack had tested Project: Christmas on her?

"You told me you were a turkey."

Sydney's face turned even more serious. It seemed that she had verified that this is her mother and not another clone. "Why now? Why not earlier?"

"I didn't want you to see me in a bad shape."

Why is it that her mother doesn't want to be seen in a weakened state? Will she lose her fierceness, her invulnerability, if her own daughter sees her in that way? "Why are you here?" Sydney asked.

Irina could see that Vaughn is playing with Isabelle while at the same time looking at their direction warily. It's not as if she's going to kidnap Sydney and shoot everyone in the park.

"I came here to… tell you something."

"_Tell the truth."_

Sydney tried hard to keep her face disinterested. Is her mother going to say goodbye?

Irina's heart began to beat faster. This is it; she's going to tell the truth, "I knew what my… clone said when you were in Vancouver and I'm afraid that, it was the truth."

"_That's a pretty good start."_

She took another deep breath and continued, "If I hadn't found a way back to myself, I'd probably be that woman you killed, Sydney. And the clone was right; I failed you as a mother because I wanted to be a good agent, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love you. However, I made a choice…"

She trailed off. Tears pooled in her eyes.

"… and I didn't choose you." Irina completed, "And for that, I am sorry."

How ironic that she said these in a place full of happiness and hope. She had put down her emotional defenses in front of a lot of strangers. She has nothing to gain from this (maybe except peace of mind) and she has everything to lose. She's standing in front of her daughter, stripped of her ambiguity and full of emotions that she's never seen before.

Sydney seemed conflicted on what to do. She couldn't run to Vaughn since she doesn't want to be seen as a coward by her own mother and her father isn't here to help her. The woman standing in front of her has the face of her enemy—the crazed woman who was trying to destroy the world. But she is also the very woman who carried her in her womb for nine months and was a loving and caring mother for six years. What is she going to do?

Irina stood in front of her daughter for a long time. She could feel some of the children staring at them, but she didn't give them a glance. Her eyes are concentrated on Sydney since she is waiting for an answer or a reaction.

Finally, she gave a resigned smile and shook her head. Sydney's not going to accept anything she said, because for one thing, why would a child accept the fact that her mother didn't prioritize her? No matter how long she waits, the reaction is not going to come.

"I better get going. Take care of your Isabelle." She said and turned away.

She didn't feel like a great burden has been lifted off her shoulders. Telling the truth is hard and it made her sad. Is it because she shattered Sydney's illusion of a woman conflicted of being both a KGB agent and a mother? She just told her daughter that she didn't choose motherhood.

"_At least you could tackle what to tell Jack now. That's someone who actually wants to know what you've been doing for the past twenty-five years!"_

_Okay, okay. But what do I do after everything?_

"_Er… try to enjoy life?"_

Her hand was reaching for the handle of the door when Sydney called her mother.

"Mom, wait."

Irina froze and slowly looked behind her. Is her daughter that forgiving? Maybe she has to tell her that she is a bad person. Sydney doesn't seem to believe that part about her.

"Mom… wait." Sydney repeated, "Don't leave yet."

She sighed and turned around, "Sydney, don't make me something that I am not." Irina said, "I'd like it better if you'd view me as a horrible person and a threat to your family because that's what I am. You've seen what I can do and you don't know the extent of what I can do-"

"But you have the capacity to care. I've seen you and know what you can do when you care." Her daughter pointed out, "Everyone has reasons for what they do. You're no different."

"Sydney-" did she sound exasperated?

"Mom, please." Her daughter said, "I want to know everything. Your clone already said that to me. I want to know the other… truths."

"You'll only get hurt."

"But you told me a while ago that I shouldn't make you something that you're not. I am not going to expect good things about the twenty-five years you've been gone."

Sydney has an earnest expression on her face. Irina felt drawn to surrender to her daughter's request, but still…

"Mom, I want to know."

She stared at Sydney. Should she give in? Or should she spare her daughter the details of her malevolent capabilities?

"_Er, practice for Jack?"_

Irina sighed, "Where do you want me to start?" she asked.

Sydney gave her a little smile, "Well, you could have lunch with us. And then you can start after that."

She felt a little shaken with her request, "Have lunch with you?"

"Yes. Vaughn's okay with it. And Isabelle can finally meet you…" her face conveys hope and Irina knows that her daughter will be stubborn about it.

A smile fluttered on her lips.

-x-x-x-

7/7

Epilogue to follow XD


	8. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE **

She set the cup of tea on top of the table and then sat down. She stretched her long legs on the sofa and tried to relax. Her body is still tired from the travel.

"_When will Sydney, Vaughn and Isabelle visit you?"_

_I don't know, but I hope they'll call._

"_What about Jack?"_

_You know, let's just hush for a while._

There was a soft breeze outside. She could hear it calling her name and trying to soothe her. The faint roar of the ocean in the distance also came to say hello to her.

Maniacal laughter, the menacing beeping of the machines and the noisy clanging of the chains slowly began to resound in her ears. The only way for her to conquer and vanquish her memories is to face them. She has to face lest she will live with them forever and she doesn't want that.

"_Irina."_

_Kira, ssh._

"_Irina…"_

"Irina."

Her eyes snapped open and in her shock, she gripped the pillow sitting beside her. Jack is standing by the doorway of the living room, looking at her. His hands are shoved in his pants pocket.

How is it that when she doesn't want to be found, he easily tracks her down and yet when she desperately wants to be found, he couldn't do it?

"How did you find me?" she asked, looking at him suspiciously as she sat properly on the sofa.

"Sydney." He answered simply and leaned on the doorway.

Irina fixed the pillows and glared at him. She's not ready for this. If she was, then it'd be she who will surprise him in his house and not the other way around.

"_You've spoken to Sydney and told her what she needed to know and more. And yet, the thought of talking to Jack never crossed your mind."_

"What are you doing here?" she calmly asked and tried to take away the angry stare from her face. There is color in his cheeks and a tanned glow in his skin. He lost some weight, but he seems quite healthy.

"I was… bored." It had been fun doing nothing at all for the past eight months, but it was also lonely because he was alone.

"So you thought that it would be fun if you track me down?" Irina tersely answered, "How many people did you kill so that you could get to the living room?"

"None, actually." Jack replied, "Sark let me in." he said and took a few steps towards her.

Irina pursed her lips. She should talk to Julian about this.

"Sydney told me some things." He started after taking a deep breath, "We really need to talk."

She stared at him for a long time. This is the only way she could compose herself and to ready the things she's going to say to him. She shouldn't cry or get angry with the first few sentences.

"_Oh, stop it already. Just make sure that your first words will be…"_

"Just to clear some things, I do not hate you for what you believe in. It's your belief, not mine. I wasn't exactly lucid when I said those words."

"And what would you have said if you were lucid?"

She elegantly shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know."

They coolly gazed at each others. Irina could gauge the level of Jack's emotions just by looking at his eyes and he could probably do the same with her too.

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked and motioned him to take a seat.

He took the chair adjacent to her. Finally, he's going to get answers, but what will happen to them after this? Will she be able to tell him everything with the truth? And if she does, will he be able to take the truth?

"Let's start with what you've been doing for the past twenty-five years."

"_You've been formulating answers to that since you woke up."_

She smiled slightly, "Well, you can be sure that what I've done was not for the betterment of humankind," she tried to relax again, "After Kashmir…"

She started to tell him what he wanted to know, albeit a little slowly. She doesn't want to stumble over the words, or seem like she's in a hurry. Now that the world thinks that they're dead, they have all the time in the world for this.

They didn't mind that time is running past them. She is willing to tell him everything while he is willing to listen to everything she is going to say.

After a while, she stopped. The truth is draining her energy and her head is starting to hurt.

"You never did tell me the whole story behind Kashmir." Jack said after a few seconds.

Suddenly, impatience flashed in her eyes. She couldn't… she doesn't want to share this information to anyone.

"_There's no use getting irritated."_

She cleared her throat, "They thought I got too attached to you and Sydney. My superiors had evidences that I loved you and that I have a very high chance of betraying them because of that love. Kashmir was a… program for agents who have strayed away from the objectives of the country."

"Do you still love us?" he asked when the silence lapsed.

"I don't think that's the point of-"

He held up a hand to stop her, "Actually, it is."

Irina raised a brow, "I haven't finished yet." She said. When he just stared at her, she bit her lips in frustration, "Fine, you want answers. Yes, I still love you and Sydney. But it's not going to change anything."

Jack looked out the window and didn't say anything. It is beautiful outside.

"Do you want to take a walk?" He asked. Without waiting for her reply, he stood up and walked towards the French doors. She told him the truth. Now, he has to digest it. Walking is the only way for that to happen.

Irina sighed and pulled herself off the couch. Jack had gone on towards the shore, so she slowly followed him.

The scent of the ocean drifted into his nose. Like Sydney and Vaughn, Irina lives by the beach. He, on the other hand, lives on a vineyard. Maybe he should consider having a beachfront property. It seems like a very wonderful place to live in.

The wind kissed her cheeks and blew on her hair. Being outside eased the tension from her muscles. She feels so light. The heavy luggage of her secrets and lies are now gone. She is free of them.

"_Well, not exactly. You haven't told him about Nadia."_

Irina took a deep breath and mentally shook her head. How could she tell this to Jack?

She looked at him. He's facing the ocean, watching the waves come and go, "Did you know that Nadia was…?"

"Mine? Yes, I knew." Jack answered, "And I made the mistake of not telling her and now, she's dead. I'm sorry."

Irina didn't give any respond to that. She only saw her grown-up daughter once and that was when she and Sydney rescued her clone. She was beautiful.

"Nadia was… exceptional. She was kind and, like Sydney, she had a smile that could light up a room. She was also stubborn, but it was expected since she's your daughter." He said and saw a small smile forming in Irina's lips, "I saw a lot of you in her and if she had lived, I know that you would have fun getting to know her."

She bit her lips. How can she mourn the loss of her daughter when she already lost her twenty-four years ago?

"_Fate is cruel sometimes but we have no choice but to live with it."_

_I know._

"Was she happy?" Irina asked softly, lowering her head.

Jack glanced at her, "To some extent. I knew she wanted to meet you." He answered.

They stood in silence and watched the scenery in front of them. This time, she could truly feel her freedom. At last, she's rid of those emotional baggages.

"_It's like being reborn."_

_Yes, rebirth._

"_Do you remember when you asked me if you and Jack were soul mates?"_

_Yes, I remember._

She felt him inching closer to her. She looked at him. His brown eyes gazed into hers. At that moment, she knew the answer.

Irina reached out and took his hand. It was warm and strong. It suddenly gave her comfort. He was with her, at last, without their towering walls of lies and distrust. Finally, there's hope. And suddenly, she knew.

"_Do you have an answer to it?"_

Jack finally smiled and squeezed her hand lightly. It was encouragement. She squeezed his hand back and smiled back at him.

_He's mine and I'm his._

_It's our rebirth._

-x-x-x-

-x-x-x-

-x-x-x-

-x-x-x-

**~fin~**

**~the end~**

**~ang wakas~**


End file.
